So human as I am
by charliespike18
Summary: She was shot - god she was shot. And he can't get his head round it - he told her he loved her and now she can't remember. He can't do this. He can't. So he walks away. - After seeing Kate in the hospital in 4x01 Castle leaves New York. AU


**_A/N This is my first Castle fanfic as I only started watching on July 10th - and am only on 6x23 at the moment. :) Hope you enjoy. :)_**

 ** _Title: So Human as I am_**

 ** _Pairings (Mentioned or otherwise): Kate/Rick Lanie/Javi Kevin/Jenny_**

 ** _Rating/Warning: T_**

 ** _Summary: She was shot - god she was shot. And he can't get his head round it - he told her he loved her and now she can't remember. He can't do this. He can't. So he walks away. - After seeing Kate in the hospital in 4x01 Castle leaves New York. AU_** __

* * *

 _So human as I am_

"You don't remember?" he says, his eyes on hers. "the gunshot?" He can't look away - not now.

"No," she starts. Her hands are by her sides and she's tired. So tired. "They say there are some things that are better not being remembered."

"Yeah," he replies but his heart is breaking in his chest. But how is he to know she feels the same, when she always takes in riddles and won't tell him the truth?

"I keep seeing his face, Castle," she says, breaking the silence and drawing his eyes back up to hers. "Every time I close my eyes I see Montgomery lying on the hanger floor." He looks down, he can't do this - he can't do this. "You should've let me go in there."

"He would've killed you."

"You don't know that." Her eyes fall, coming to rest on the bed. She can't bare it - it's too much.

"Kate." His words make her look up and she can see the pain in his eyes. _I did that,_ she thinks, _I did that._

"Castle, I'm really tired right now." His eyes drop away and she sees him break - right there - right in front of her.

"Course. We'll talk tomorrow?" He gets up and suddenly she can't breathe. She can't do this. She can't see him every day and know that she hurt him - it'll kill her in the end.

"I just need a little bit of time." Oh, she's being selfish isn't she? But she's been through too much to put him through anything else. Let him walk away. It's better that way.

"Sure," he says and she can feel something break inside her. God, this hurts. "Sure, how much time?"

"I'll call you okay?" And she thinks she might but then again he doesn't need her - her life is so messed up no one would want that. He doesn't need her.

"Sure."

...

She doesn't call him, not to start with, because she's trying to get it all straight in her head. Nothing makes sense anymore; her mom's murder, Montgomery, Castle - none of it is right. Her head spins and she closes her eyes because the pain in her chest is burning. God, she got shot.

 _She got shot._

Kate Beckett got shot and now nothing makes sense.

...

He has one hand on the laptop mouse track and the other lies absentmindedly on his cell. He's waiting for her to call - waiting for her to say something. It's been a week since he turned up at the hospital and she told him that she didn't remember anything.

She doesn't remember falling from the podium, she doesn't know how he had held her - had begged her not to die - she doesn't know he had watched as her eyes flickered closed.

She doesn't know that he told her he loved her.

 _She doesn't remember._

He sighs, his hand moving back to the computer because his book isn't going to write itself.

...

"It's over."

Her words are quiet, and for a moment she doesn't think he's heard them.

 _Josh_.

Her boyfriend - except, he's not, not anymore. She just broke up with him because she can't get what Rick Castle said to her as she died out of her head. She did die, lying on the grass as the sun glinted down through the trees - she died in his arms.

 _Castle_.

She doesn't tell Josh that though, no, because she can't remember anything about when she got shot, can she? But she does - she can remember everything; the pain radiating through her, the screams of the mourners, the way Castle held her and spoke to her and told her that he loved her. She remembers it all and it scares her so much because she can't cope with it; on top of her mother's murder and Montgomery's death and everything that it already drowning her.

Not that she told Josh that either. No, she told him some crap about not needing anyone right now, about needing space and when he refused to let her go she stared at him, all the things she should say flashing through her head.

Then she had told it was over, they were over.

And now her won't meet her eye. She can see the anger in them, though - Josh; good, reliable, easy Josh doesn't understand why she won't let him help her. God knows she won't even admit she _needs_ help. He keeps going to say something but the words never come out. He stands, resting his hand on the hospital room door and she can see how tense he is.

Josh opens the door and turns back to face her, just for a moment, before speaking.

"You love him, don't you?"

She can't speak, the words stuck in her throat and they can't get out. Her eyes, trained on Josh's back, drop to her hands lying in her lap and she hears him laugh; coldly, hollowly.

"I thought so."

...

"What's your name?" Castle says and looks up at the blonde middle-aged women who stands above him clutching a copy of Heat Rising against her chest.

"Melissa Jarvis," she says, her Texas drawl in evidence. She places the book in front of him and he flicks it open to the first page. His eyes fall on the dedication but he thumbs the corner and turns it over to the title page. Rick picks his pen up and starts to scrawl Mellissa into the page but his mind isn't on the Texan housewife but on Kate.

He had thought long and hard about mentioning her at all but in the end, as it inevitably would, her name had found a way on the page. He had once again thanked the guys at the 12th but this time, when the words on the page said thank you, they said thank you for everything.

Everything.

Castle doubts he's going back, not now - now Kate is recovering and his presence only seems to make everything worse. No, he's done helping the NYPD.

He shuts the book and hands it back to Melissa Jarvis. As the next fan in line steps forward his cell buzzes and he pulls it from his pocket, muttering something about the fact it could be important. His mother's caller ID flashes back up at him and Rick presses decline before placing it on the table.

"Sorry about that." The next fan smiles broadly and shrugs placing the book down and the table and announcing that her name is Charlene. Castle opens the copy to the third page and writes the message that he's has written two hundred times today and will write hundred times tomorrow.

His eyes fall to the desk and once again he wishes he could see her - that she'd just walk in.

Kate.

But it hurts, thinking about her - he bared everything to her and while it's not exactly her fault she can't remember it. He can't put that on her, can't give her even more to worry about. Yet, he's not sure he can stay and not - not tell her how much he loves her and that's not what she needs. No, she need time to get over Montgomery and god, she was shot. Shot. No, she doesn't need him.

Anyway, she's got Josh.

The book is placed on the table before he has a chance to look up and he dutifully asks for a name. He glances up and sees a kid, brown hair with blue eyes, a similar age to Alexis - not so much a _kid_ then - before his eyes turn back to the page he's preparing to sign. "What's the name?"

"Kate."

He stares up at her and realise how stupid he's being.

And yet for a moment, even though the voice was wrong and he knew, he knew it wasn't - he thought it was her.

 _Her. His Kate._

Except she's not his, she's Josh's and Rick hasn't spoken to her in months.

"Kate then," he says and scrawls the name of a girl who's stolen his heart.

...

"You think she's okay?" Javi Esposito's words resonate loudly around the morgue and Lanie glances over at him, shrugging. Her eyes are on the report she's trying to read but she's worried too, worried about Kate.

"It's been six months, Lanie," he says and she sighs.

"I know, Javi, I know." She closes her eyes for a second and then turns to face him. Kate isn't coping - Lanie knows for a fact that she's still having nightmares, flashbacks to the day - fragments coming back and breaking her just when she thinks she's going to make it.

"Kev said that she looked like she'd been crying when she came in this morning." Esposito is expecting Lanie to speak but when she doesn't he continues. "She misses hi-"

"Of course she misses him, Javi," she interrupts. "everyone knows how she-"

But it's Lanie's turn to be cut off. The door swings open and Kate Beckett stands, her eyes flicking between the room's occupants.

"Hey," she says and takes a further step in to the morgue. Lanie goes to speak but Esposito beats her too it.

"I'll go - see if Ryan's got anything on those plates we found at the warehouse." And with that he's gone.

Kate stands near the door still, her hands in her pocket and her eyes on the floor. Lanie moves over to her and the room is silent save for her footsteps.

"Kate," she whispers and the words cause Kate to snap out of her trance and look up. She's got a sad smile on her face and Lanie is surprise - well, with what Javi just told her she shouldn't be too shocked - to see tears threading her friends eyes. "Hey?" she says and Kate pulls a hand from her pockets and wipes the tears away, laughing without humour.

"I can't stop thinking about that day, I can't sleep - I can't do anything," Kate says, shaking her head and wiping the tears from her face again.

"Oh sweetie, I know."

"And...and..." Kate tries, but she trails off. The tears have stopped but she feels like she's suffocating in the cold air of the room. "I miss him Lanie. So much," she says so quietly that Lanie, at first, doesn't hear.

When she does she takes a step closer to her friend. "It's okay." she says, hugging Kate - holding her close. "It's okay," she repeats and realises that Kate is crying again, tears tracking down her cheeks.

"It's not fair Lanie." she says. "It's not fair."

"I know Kate. I know,"

...

He hesitates for a moment, his hand on the door handle. He's leaving, taking Naked Heat and going from state to state, book signing to book signing - the next one is scheduled to take place in San Francisco and the one after that is in Maine.

Castle has packed a bag and he's not too sure he's going to be back anytime soon. It's been seven months and she hasn't called - not a single time - and he can't bear it, waiting for someone who isn't coming.

She's not coming.

And he's walking away.

He knew that the moment he promised to go three book signings back to back in the three months after Kate had been shot. She didn't need him - she had Josh, her dad, - so what was the point?

Of course he knows, but he doesn't want to - it took everything in him to say it once and he's not going to risk it all again. She just doesn't feel the same way.

She just doesn't love him.

He misses her, of course he does. But he has to move on, he has to get away - he'll never get over her if he sees her day in day out, will he?

No, he has to leave.

It's for the better.

It never once crosses his mind that he's running away because he's scared - no, Richard Castle doesn't run, he stays, the ever constant.

Yet there he stands, one hand on the door handle ready to leave everything he has built with Kate, with the boys at the 12th - ready to escape from his entire life in New York.

Castle pushes down on the handle and is about to walk out when he hears a voice, steady and calm, behind him.

"You're walking away." It's not a question but then his mother has never been one for beating round the bush. When Martha Rogers wants to say something she'll say it however harsh or cold or true it may be - however much the other person doesn't want to hear it.

"I'm not going to wait," he replies a heartbeat later - he doesn't turn round, doesn't look at her.

"Isn't that what you're doing?" Martha says and her words make Castle take another step forward.

He's not waiting, no, he's given up waiting for Kate Beckett because she is never coming around, is she?

He was just that writer who followed her around for a while - that's all he'll ever be.

He takes another step and then he's out the door. He's gone.

Martha can see it - her son hasn't moved on, and he'll always wait for Kate. Whether he sees it or not, he is - he hasn't brought a girl home in nearly a year and she can almost see his heart break as everyday passes. Even if by the end of this his heart is broken in to so many piece the pain stops he'll still be waiting.

 _Always_.

...

She can see the sun, glaring down at her, as she casts her eyes around the graveyard. Everyone's in police uniform and she's nervous but she doesn't know why.

The scene goes out of focus and when it comes back he's there - _Castle_ He's saying words she can't hear and she puts her hand out to touch him but she can't reach.

She can never reach.

He speaks - _I love you_ -

And then she hears the gun shot.

Kate sits bolt upright in bed, gasping for air as if she has been drowning.

She's had the nightmare again - the same one she has had every night for _months_ now.

Her therapist tells her that the dream is part of her PTSD and that hopefully as she recovers it should stop. Kate doesn't think it will.

She looks to her bedside table and sees the tumbler of scotch that has taken to living there. For a moment she entertains the idea of downing the rest of the bottle and just forgetting.

 _Forgetting_

Doesn't that seem _nice_.

But she draws her eyes away and pulls her knees up to her chest and she tries to control the shaking that has come over her.

This isn't her - Kate Beckett doesn't wake up in the middle of the night and half begs herself to get blind drunk because everything is too much.

Katie, on the other hand, little Katie who lost her mother and lost everything - well, that sounds a hell of a lot like her.

Kate closes her eyes for a second and when she opens then she feels the first tear fall but she wipes it away, violently swiping at her face because she's being pathetic - she's being pathetic little Katie all over again and that isn't okay. It took everything she was to get up and move forward after her mom and she's not going back there - not now.

Little Katie wants so much to call _him_ \- so much that her eyes dart towards her cell, sitting on the floor where she thrown in down in anger last night when she nearly had. She had been so close, her finger hovering over Castle's number but Kate - older, wiser, stronger, far more hurt than little Katie - she had come through and stopped herself before she did something stupid.

Castle. She doesn't want him to see her like this - when she can't even make sense of that day nearly a year later.

It's been a year and she hasn't seen him. He's gone off on some tour. He's left _her_.

Katie cries then. Cries just a little.

Then Kate's back and the tears are gone. One more falls, slipping down her face as she leans against the pillow and wills herself to fall asleep even though she knows it's not going to come.

Kate and sleep haven't been on the best of terms recently.

Sometimes she wonders if they'll ever be friends again.

...

Martha is staring it at him - her mouth hanging open in shock. Her son is finally back, 18 months and the book tours have finally come to an end but now, now he's telling her she can have his apartment.

He's leaving, not just for a book tour - this time he's leaving town, going to LA or Seattle and not coming back.

He's got a apartment that's just perfect waiting for him - Alexis is at college now and he has nothing left here.

Martha knows it's just because he doesn't want to run in to her.

They've avoided each other for long enough but New York isn't that big and one day, soon from the way Richard is reacting, they'll find themselves side by side once again and he's not ready.

Still waiting but not ready.

He turns around and places his hand on the door, as he walks out his mother speaks.

"Go find Kate."

Instead he goes to Roy Montgomery's grave, picking up flowers from an expensive store on the way. He thanks the dead man, for everything and then goes.

When he reaches the edge of the cemetery he looks back, his eyes falling to the former captain's grave and that's when he sees her.

 _Kate_.

She's here.

He doesn't go to her even though his heart is screaming at him. His head whispers, though, that he's leaving, going away.

Leaving Kate Beckett firmly in his past. He doesn't go back in but walks out. He doesn't come back even though his heart is shattering in his chest.

Seeing her made him realise that he still means the words he whispered to her as she lay on the grass the summers day in that very graveyard.

But still he goes.

...

"No," she whispers, falling to her knees, trying to stop the blood from flowing out.

"No," she shouts, louder now. Her heart is pounding in her chest and it hurts so much that she thinks it might burst.

She feels a hand fall on to her shoulder and Ryan's face tells her all she needs to know.

He's dead.

Javi lies on the ground in a pool of his own blood, the stab wound bloody and raw on his skin.

He's dead. Kate - Kate, not Katie this time - cries. Because everything is terrible and it _hurts_.

The funeral is a week and half later.

She stand with the mourners but she's on edge the whole time - the flashbacks are killing her.

Every time she closes her eyes she can see Castle above her, holding her, as she dies in the grass, the bullet burning through her and then Javi telling her that it's all going to be okay as the life drains from his face.

She can't shake either of them - they're there when she's awake and they haunt her dreams and she can't get away.

She can never get away.

Lanie is next to her and even though she's trying to hide it, Kate can tells she's pregnant. It's Javi's - it was just supposed to be a onetime thing, that's what Lanie told her - but now it's such much more.

It's all they have left of him.

Ryan told Castle, she knows, phoned him the day it happened - because however long it's been they were still friends. It's been two and half years. She nearly texted him _\- I need you_ \- but her senses prevailed. It's been too long, Kate thinks, for regret now.

Kate scans the crowd for his face but she can't see him. She finds Martha though, standing at the back - eyes burning a hole in her back.

They sit next to each other at the bar once they reach the wake.

Kate's nursing a whiskey and takes a sip and the alcohol burns her throat as she knock it back. She slams the glass down on the surface and slips of the bar stool.

She stares at Martha and laughs, hollow and humourless.

"I guess he couldn't make it."

And then she walks out.

...

Alexis is graduating from today. She's been away for three years and now she's done. He's so proud - the time is gone so fast that he can't quite believe it.

Three years.

It's been two and half years since he moved to Seattle and the rain and the snow. It's been four years since he last saw Kate.

The speeches are over and yet he can't find Alexis is the crowd, his mother is next to him and they're both searching for the redhead without luck. He feels his mother place her hand on his arm, pointing with the free one wildly into the throng of people.

Martha moves off in the direction of her hand gesture but as Rick starts behind a man holding a baby - no more than eighteen months - walks in front of him.

For a moment his mind flashes to Lanie. To her son - he too is eighteen months.

Kate. Kate told him about that.

One text. Eleven words.

 _Lanie had a baby. It's Javi's. Just thought you should know._

She hadn't put her name at the bottom, just sent as a courtesy guessing he'd find out somehow.

Goes to show she hasn't forgotten him.

His cell buzzes in his pocket and for a crazy moment he thinks it'll be her - be Kate - but when he slides it out the caller ID logically presents its self as his mother.

He presses accept and puts the cell to his ear. As his mother explains where she is - with Alexis - Rick looks around.

His mind is still on the past - still on Kate and the boys at the 12th who are now the boy at the 12th because Espo is gone.

Four and half years and he's still not moved on - not really. He doesn't think about them too much but when he does. When does he sometimes wonders why he walked away and that's dangerous ground.

Very dangerous ground.

He starts forwards and in no time he's found the duo of redheads. He hugs his daughter and tries, tries so hard to get Kate and Ryan and Lanie and her baby out of his head but when he sleeps that night he dreams about his daughter graduating, being happy, with them in the crowd.

And Javi's there.

But it's all just a dream.

...

Her dad sits opposite her in the booth, two coffees on the table in front of them. He's asking how her the dating scene is going for her and she just shrugs. There's been no one for a while - no one serious.

Jim Beckett sighs and picks up his coffee. He knows getting shot was a big thing of her, of course he does - he knows she nearly died. God, he was scared he would lose her but he hadn't expected this.

 _This._

It's been seven years and he can still see that it haunts her. It's like Johanna - they've caught the person responsible but it's not enough. They have Bracken but it was never going to be enough.

Enough to stop the nightmares and take away the flashbacks.

It might've been, he thinks, if she hadn't lost everyone. If some of the people she cared about - loved - hadn't gone.

Esposito, Jim knows, had been helping Kate. They were working through it together - he had been through it too Kate had told him. He had been shot and he knew how it felt and it was helping. And it had been okay. But the Javier Esposito had died and Kate had another thing to dream about.

God - he wonders sometimes how she ever sleeps, with all the things that have happened to her.

Johanna was murdered 20 years ago and he still has nights were he can't sleep because it won't leave his mind - but Katie.

Katie has it so much worse. In front of him she picks up her coffee and takes a long gulp.

"I'm alright, dad," she says and it's all he can do to nod in reply.

"No new guy then?" At his words she laughs into his coffee and it makes Jim smiles because she's happy - she's smiling.

Everything's okay at the moment.

Jim knows she spends a lot of time with Lanie and her son and Ryan and his daughters when she's down in New York. She works in DC now - for the FBI - but tries to come down when she can. When she's here - in New York - she always stays with Lanie or Ryan.

She told him once it makes her feels like she has a family.

He told her, in reply, that she could have that if she wanted. She could have a family.

She had just dismissed him with the fact that she'd already thrown away that chance. He knew then and knows know who that chance was.

Richard Castle - world-renowned author.

She was in love with him - even Jim could see that; can still see that. It's in the way she talks about him whenever he's brought up, the she smiles when the talk about those old days with Lanie or Ryan.

The old days - before she was shot and Castle left and Esposito died.

Everything was good then.

It's good know, he thinks, for once. She's happy with her life as it is and that's enough for him.

He wraps up the conversation and she mentions off hand that she's spending the day with Lanie and he smiles.

Because it's okay.

She's happy and that's all he wants.

...

Rick looks at Alexis and then down at the bundle in his hands.

His grandchild. His grand _son_. Little Bobby.

He can't stop smiling, the grin taking over his face. He's a granddad and he's so happy about it. He hands Bobby back to his mother and instantly misses him. It's only been a few hours but he can already feel how much it's changed him.

He's happier - so much happier than he has been.

He looks out the window and down on to the sunny streets of New York. Alexis it the only reason he comes back and she mainly comes to see him in Seattle. In fact, he hasn't been back here in over three years now and for a person who grew up here it feels pretty weird.

He's staying in a hotel in midtown and tonight - tonight he thinks he might sit in the bar all night.

He became a grandfather today. That's fantastic - not something you'd want to lose at the bottom of a bottle but -

But it's been _ten_ _years_ to the day since Beckett was shot and to him that's a damn good reason.

He looks at Bobby a decides that he has to remember this - so maybe just one drink. Just numb the pain a little.

Being here, with Alexis and his grandchild has already made it that little bit better and he's thankful to his daughter that she hasn't brought it up.

He can see on her face that she wants too.

A second later and Bobby is back in his arms and the grin's back.

...

The table is quiet, the three people sitting round it have run out of conversation.

They've talked for nearly three hours - about birthday parties and work and thanksgiving but there is just nothing left. Kate's eyes flick to Lanie's and then to Ryan's and they both smile at her. It's not been awkward - in fact she's had fun, more fun than she's had in a long time but there's just something missing.

Or _someone_.

Yes, definitely someone. Espo should be here. He should. But he's not. Kate thinks for a moment that Castle should be here too.

That's the point of this dinner isn't it - to mark that day ten years ago when she was shot.

Castle was there - so why shouldn't he be here?

She stops thinking about that quickly and the conversation falls out of its lull. It turns out that they still have plenty more to say. A few hours later she's in the taxi back to her hotel.

It's late as she climbs into the elevator and dark when she stumbles in to her room. She's far from DC here - back in New York and she's so tired. But when she tries sleep won't come. It's two o'clock in the morning and no matter what she tries the oblivion that sleep is won't fall.

But then again, they've never really been on the best of terms - Kate and sleep. Her nightmares are bleeding in to the dark and she's seeing ghosts in the shadows. She can't think straight. Not with all the ghosts. 10 years. Still feels like yesterday to her.

She can't stay here, not now. So she goes, fleeing the room and the shadows and the people who won't leave her alone. She gets in to the elevator and can't breathe.

She needs air.

Kate stumbles into the lobby and realises she's still wearing the dress from dinner. Her eyes scan through the room and fall on the bar. And then she really can't breathe. 10 years and she can still tell it's him. In a heartbeat she knows it's him. For a moment she thinks it's her sleep deprived brain tricking her.

It's cruel. So cruel.

But there he is. Rick. And he's so real.

Kate thinks about walking out - doing what he did to her after she was shot but she can't move. She wants to run away but she doesn't. She can't. So she just stands there. The man at the reception calls out to her - asking if she's okay and it's all she can do to nod.

But she's not - she's not okay. Everything hurts and she can't do anything about it.

The receptionist inquires again because she's standing completely still staring at the bar like she's seen a ghost. But she has. This time though, she manages to choke out an _'okay'_ and in the two am silence it's like she's screaming. He hears. Of course he does.

Rick turns just a little but his eyes find hers and then he can't look away. Kate is drowning in his gaze but she can't stop, no, she can't look away. Keeping his eye, she takes the bar stool next to his and orders a whiskey.

She downs it in one and it burns her throat.

But it's nothing compared with the pain in her chest.

...

It's half one when he takes the seat at the bar. He was at Alexis' till gone midnight and the rest of the time he wasted getting back here. He's intent - at first - at having that one drink to numb the pain but then he realise that he wants to remember.

This. Everything.

Nothing.

He closes his eyes and orders a whiskey anyway. He holds it but doesn't drink - his mind full of memories. Bobby. Alexis.

Kate.

He tries to recall the first moment they met but it won't come into focus. But what he can remember, with a clarity that scares him, is the graveyard. Her falling. Kate dying and then coming back. The feeling of losing her. The green of the grass and the glint of the sun.

He sits for half an hour and relives the memory - over and over.

So when a voice breaks the two am quiet he thinks for one crazy moment that it's her. He turns, ready to laugh at his own stupidity - clutching at ghosts in the early morning dark.

But it is her.

She takes a seat next to him and he thinks he must be dreaming - that this can't be real. Oh, though, it is. She orders a whiskey and downs it in one. Though day, he thinks, staring at his un drunk glass.

She laughs, her eyes on the bar. He misses how she laughs.

"Castle," she all but whispers.

"Beckett," he replies in kind. His heart is beating so hard he might it might burst. This, this is too much.

He's still angry at her. Just a little.

But then again - it's not her fault she can't remember is it?

"How's Josh?" he asks because he wants to know - oh so selfishly - if she's with him still.

"I have no idea," she breathes gesturing over to the barman and ordering another whiskey. "I haven't seen him in ten years."

It's his turn to laugh.

"I thought he was the one - you know - he was off saving the world and everything." Castle doesn't even try to hide his anger and she spins round to look at him while placing her glass down with dull _'thud'_.

She shrugs and then speaks, her voice clear and loud in the silence. "It wasn't enough."

"Why?" he asks, almost automatically.

She doesn't speak but the reply dances on her tongue.

 _He wasn't you._

...

She stares at him but neither take the conversation any further - they've already been walking on fire and they both don't want to get burned.

She takes a sip of the whiskey and that burns quite enough for her.

"How's Alexis?" Change the topic - move away from the flames.

"Oh," he says, first, as if he hasn't quite heard her. "I became a grandfather today,"

She just laughs, her eyes turning back to the bar.

"Congratulations."

"Yeah," he says and for the first time since she sat down he takes a long gulp of the whiskey.

And then, a moment later, Castle speaks again. "My mother told me what happened at Espo's funeral."

"Nothing happened at Espo's funeral."

Yeah, nothing.

Except everything.

He thinks about asking again - but she's already angry. "What's Lanie's kid called?" he asks, changing tact.

"Tommy." she replies and he sees her smile. Oh god, how he's missed her smile. "Or little Espo."

She's still smiling and he does too.

She picks the whisky up and drinks the rest of it down. When she sets the glass back on the table she's not smiling. She doesn't speak, not for moment, even though he can see there's somthing she wants to say.

She takes a deep breath and turn to him. She has to tell him - tell him that she remembers everything about being shot. That she's always remembered.

She always knew he said he loved her.

"I lied," her voice is back to barely above a whisper and he just stares at her.

"Lied?" he says, his voice laden with confusion. "About...?"

"About not remembering anything about being shot," she breathes, closing her eyes. "I lied."

His eyes drop to the bar and he orders another whiskey.

He's angry. She can feel it. When the barman puts the glass on the table Castle snatches it up and drinks it down. She gets up before he has time to reply. She's only got one thing on her mind.

Get out - get out.

Get out.

She's in the lobby when he reaches her - placing a hand on her arm and spinning her round to face him.

"All this time..." he says, tailing off. "You knew?"

"Yes." Her eyes are on the floor and she won't look at him. She can't - she doesn't want to see the pain in his eyes. Not again.

"Look at me Kate." he says and she nearly does. It's the first time he's called her Kate since she sat down. "Look at me," he repeats "I'm here. I'm still here."

His hand goes to her chin and he lifts her face up to his. There close - so close - to each other but neither say a word. She can see the anger in his eyes but it's not nearly as all consuming as she assumed it would be.

"I know you are, Rick," she says and once again it's like screaming in the 2am silence.

He doesn't reply so she speaks again. "I tried - I swear - to tell you." At her words his eyes drop to the floor but when he speaks, a heartbeat later, his eyes are back on hers.

"You should've tried harder," he says and she can her the anger in his words - it's not obvious but she still knows him well enough to know - it's there. That's not surprising though, is it?

Kate closes her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears that are singing at her eyes.

"I know," she says. Kate opens her eyes to find him looking at her and she wants nothing more to run away because this hurts.

This _hurts_.

She wants to say she's sorry but it's too late. Far, far too late. Sorry wouldn't mean anything - not now.

"I still mean it. You know," his voice is quiet, as if he's talking to himself but she hears. And she knows what he's talking about.

He still loves her.

"No," she says, her voice far more forceful than she expected it to be. "No."

...

With her words she pulls away, her eyes falling away because she can't look at him.

He stares down at her and then takes a step forward, closing the space between them.

He pulls her close and she rests her head on his shoulder. "Oh, Kate," he says - he wants to tell her it's all okay but it's not. He won't lie to her, not after how this all started.

She knew. And she lied about it.

For some reason it doesn't bother him half as much as it should.

"What a mess, Castle." She breathes against him and a moment later she feels him nod and mumble a _'yeah_ ,'

That's when she starts to cry, she thinks, or maybe she already was - it doesn't really matter does it?

He can feel her crying and he just holds her tighter. He wants everything to go back to how it was but ten years have passed and they've both changed and god, they've really screwed this up haven't they?

Her hand finds his and she holds it, their fingers interlacing. He pulls back and they stand, hands together but still so far apart. For a moment Kate thinks about the receptionist - the one who asked her if she was alright - and how he must think they're ridiculous. She smiles at that and she's not sure why.

But then - everything gets too much and Kate Beckett does what she always does when she doesn't know quite what to do.

She runs away.

"I'm just," she starts, " going to go outside - get some air." She drops his hand and he stares up at her.

"Kate." But she's turning around, her body on autopilot. "Kate," he repeats. "Stay."

But she doesn't and a heartbeat later she's on the dark New York street trying her hardest to breathe because she's suffocating.

She's drowning.

She can't breathe.

And then she runs.

She goes to Lanie's and leaves Rick standing in the hotel lobby.

She calls after she's settled into Lanie's spare room, leaving a message because he doesn't pick up. Of course he doesn't.

"I'm sorry," she starts. "I am so sorry Rick. And I... I... I love you okay. Please don't ever forget that." she's trying to sound up beat but failing terribly. "I'd said I'd call didn't I. I'm just... I didn't realise it'd take ten years for me to stop being scared. And now I've messed it all up cause you hate me and you'll never listen to this message and I don't blame you." She's crying now, choking back the sobs that are threatening her throat. "I'm sorry Rick and I love you. Always"

...

He listens to the message when he wakes in the morning. He doesn't do anything, he can't.

He goes to Alexis' for lunch and when he arrives she asks him what's wrong but he doesn't say anything.

He can't. He can't find any words to explain what happened so he just doesn't.

He just carries on like nothing happened.

...

They meet again when it's dark in the hotel bar.

It's been a whole year.

He's sitting in the same seat and she slides in next to him like they've been doing this their whole lives.

They don't talk. There's nothing left to say.

He kisses her or she kisses him - it doesn't really matter. They fumble their way back to his room and they burn.

So bright.

And then at the end all that's left is the ashes of could've been.

She's gone when he wakes in the morning. It doesn't surprise him - Rick knows her better than she thinks.

They don't see each other again.

...

 _I tried to live alone._

 _But lonely is so lonely alone._

 _So human as I am_

 _I had to give up my defences._

 _\- Any other world, Mika._

* * *

 **A/N Any thought?**


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